Sunday, June 1, 2014

My Comeback?

Hello again, everyone!

It's so unprofessional of me to be gone for so long. I'm sorry but I do have to apologize for my long absence. Hope you guys could forgive me. Sooooo...........

What have I been up to? 

Here's what...

August 17, 2013 - October 31, 2013
National Service   

        Stuck in the middle of a palm oil estate, there was no escape. First few days were rather difficult cause I was panicking about being around new people and I felt like a fish out of water. As days passed, I started to make new friends and life in camp wasn't as scary. 
Here is my bed, locker and my fav football national team pillow/hug pillow. "Friendship is Love" my best friend's quote. A collage of great memories to keep my spirits up.

        We did a lot of activities, had classes and a lot of standing around being really still. Things were going really well till I started to feel real sick and trapped in my own head somewhere around a month before the end of training. 24/7 I was surrounded by people and I just snapped I guess. It's also because I got sick and had a melt down when I did one stupid mistake and got scolded by the nurse.
         After that, it was trips to the hospital and medications that only made things worst for me. Nights became unbearable. I would wake up in the middle of the night and couldn't go back to sleep, griped in fear. 
          Thankfully, I had a few good friends and I survived. The last few days of our training was crazy and I'm happy I was able to experience the whole National Service ordeal. In the end, it was my only form of GRADUATION.
I am the one with the funny yellow chicken feather duster sticking out of my beret. I was the assistant monitor of my Squadron.
Thought we just take a pic with our Commander.
Definitely happy.
November 1, 2013 - November 17, 2013
New Family Member

         When I came home, I was in my uniform and Sonnig could not recognize me. I had to run in my room and change. The moment I went to greet him, it was like I never left at all. Guess my parents did a great job taking care of him. 

         While I was away at camp, a stray dog refused to move away from the front of my house and my parents decided to keep her. My mum said it was for my birthday cause it came on my Chinese birth date.
          Keiko was her name - a name given by my mum. I got her fixed of course due to the fact I have three intact boys in the pack. I fell in love with her the first moment I saw her. How could you not??? Just look at that face! 
You can read more about her in the pet profiles or click here: Pet Profiles
The first image I've seen of her that was sent by my sister to me when I was still in camp.
          As for my health, I ditched my medication cause I'm just so sick of it. They kept telling me to give it a few more weeks, but it's been almost a month and the side effects are unbearable! I guess I can never be fixed and I just got to find a new way to live with my condition. Going to Church on Sundays sure did help even though I'm not Christian. I felt 'his' presence every time I was there and he spoke to me through the selected preacher of that week. 

November 18, 2013 - February 13, 2014
Back to Work and a Horrible Sacrifice

         After recuperating for 2 weeks, I decided I was ready to head back to work. However, I did wanted to take things slow and not stress myself out too much. Just go back to doing something I really enjoyed and learning to enjoy life again.

         I started work again back in the stables just part time. 4 hours in the morning and if I felt like it, a full 8 hour day of work. I enjoyed going to work every morning, greeting the horses, cleaning their stalls, grooming and just being around them. What I enjoyed most was riding, but I rarely got to do that cause we were just so busy and we lacked workforce. 

Five retired race horses, 1 rescued race horse reject and 1 pony. All geldings.
Visit them by clicking here: Taiping Equine Park
          I assisted with joyrides, sometimes Hippotherapy/Equine therapy on people with special needs, and preparing the horses for riding lessons. Somehow, I always felt guilty and really stressed out during my time there. It's like, I want to help really badly and I wanna do a great job! But I'm no good! Soon enough, I was stuck in my head again and was unable to get a break. A ticking time bomb.
         Survived through the Christmas crowd and even Chinese New Year. It was the busiest time ever for it was the year of the Horse, but I managed to pull through although I almost lost it in the end of that busy week. 
            Was it the fear of commitment or being trapped? Being not good enough? Imperfect? Weak? I don't know. My only co-worker went home to her country for a month break and I had to step up and really commit full time. I've done it before, but never without a co-worker. On the third day of working alongside my two bosses, I cracked and had to ask if I could go back to working part time. I had to cause my mind was so out of control that I could seriously hurt myself just to make me get out of the situation that I'm in. I hate disappointing the people I care about and I really respect my bosses. 
             I know I disappointed them. How was I to live with myself? How many more people must I disappoint? Driving back from work that day was painful and I lost it. It's a miracle how I got home safe. I locked myself in the room, sulking, refusing to talk to anyone and just kept crying. There were 2 choices. One was to go back to work the next day and the other was to quit. If I quit, I could never step foot in the stables ever again. 
            I didn't show up to work the next day and they knew I have quit. I've disappointed them far too many times already. Why couldn't I just do it right? Coward! Maybe it's best I stay away and never to return cause I know I'm a plague of negativity. God it hurts! I miss the horses so much and the good people I worked with.

February 14, 2014 - May 31, 2014
Going back to what I was bred to do

           I was born into a family of music teachers. Being the black sheep of the family, I never really got that teaching essence in me. To think of it, I wasn't that good in music either. Teaching music was the last thing I ever thought I would do. I guess that's why I'm doing it now.
            Music runs in my veins. I knew a little guitar cause I used to play it when I was 14. My dad pushed me to teach guitar and he got his friend to hire me to be a guitar teacher in his music shop/school. With the guidance from my dad, I am able to teach and use a system that would work. However, my lacking of skill, experience and social abilities are the challenges that I have to face everyday. I pity my students, but out of ten I've only lost 1 student due to language barrier.
             Other than teaching for only 5 hours a week, I spent my days trying to improve my guitar as well as drum and distracting my mind with tv, music, books, You Tube, paper mache projects and a new hobby of making miniature horse tacks. I tried blogging a few times, but I just stared at my computer screen for hours. 

June 1, 2014 (Today)

            Got to admit I'm still not good at teaching cause there must be a reason why my students keep skipping their classes. Maybe they were genuinely busy and can't make it, but they are still in the program. The fear of loosing students is evidently there. All I can do is just hope for the best.
          I've been trying to get my life back on track for the last 2 weeks and I'm slowly getting there. Can't promise anything though cause I'm living with this disease in my head. There will be periods of time I could control it, but the moment it gets out of control it's turmoil and it would take me a lot of time to get back to normal.
             It feels good to be able to blog again. I'm sorry if this was bloody long, boring, irrelevant and sickening, but I would love to thank you for reading it anyway. I'll definitely write again cause writing this has gave me a few inspiration for future posts. Posts that are relevant to pet care and animals I promise. 

I wish you all,
Happy days...

1 comment:

  1. Welcome Back,we were wondering how you are,SPeedy say's not to stress over things that are beyond your control,and to look at what you have accomplished and be proud,like getting through national service,He's very proud of you for that and to tell you he is never disappointed in you!and neither am I you have done well,and it doesn't matter about the stables thing that just means you weren't ready yet its no big deal so concentrate on being well and doing the things you love the rest will fall in to place when it is supposed to,love to you and your pack and your family,xx Rachel and Speedy